What I Miss Most About Being Evangelical

Someone came to my home last night.

Someone was scratching at my office window, then followed me to my bedroom window, and spent about 15 minutes terrorizing me in this manner.

Let me lay some groundwork here.

I live in the middle of the woods. You can’t even see my neighbors from my house, though there are several houses within walking distance of mine, all in a hilly, wooded area. I haven’t met all my neighbors, but there was one night that one of them came to my house in the middle of the night, wanting to come in and saying how he lived there.

He had lived there before…just, not for several years.

But he was blitzed, and grew up in my home, and then got stoned and drunk with the man my husband and I got it off of.

But all in all, we haven’t really had too many problems with our neighbors.

So I have no idea who would’ve been at my house last night around 10 o’clock, scratching at my windows. It started when I was in my office, curtains just slightly open. The windows are pretty high up, so I honestly don’t think it would’ve been an animal. But it freaked me the fuck out, so I ran to my bedroom…

Which also had a window with curtains slightly open.

Like I said, I live in the country. I’ve never worried too much about windows without curtains.

But…the scratching followed me. It was loud and insistent…on the window with the open curtain. That is, until it started on the window with closed curtains…that I was standing in front of.

Then it moved to the window in the master bathroom. You know…the one that adjoins my bedroom.

There was also a jiggle on the door handle, banging on the walls, thumps on the porch, etc.

My dog was outside, as I am on crutches, and she got away from me when I was trying to put her on her lead. I had been trying to get her in, but once the scratching started, I only went to the door once. When I heard her barking, the scratching would stop. But as soon as she ran off into the woods again, when I couldn’t hear her barking, the scratching would start again.

I called 911, and was sobbing the entire time I was on the phone with the dispatcher. When someone tried the front door, the dispatcher screamed at me not to answer it.

My husband got home before the cops did. My dog came in with him, and we didn’t hear anything else for the rest of the night. The cops came, didn’t find anything, told us there was nothing they could do, and left.

It was five degrees outside last night.

My complex PTSD has been going absolutely haywire. I don’t think my body has relaxed without the aid of my meds even once since this all started. I’ve no idea how the fuck I’m ever supposed to sleep again.

You see…this is something that I actually miss about being an Evangelical.

There are SOOOOOOO many songs I’ve learned for times like this. They actually got me through cancer treatments when I was pregnant.

“I’ve got confidence/my Lord my Lord is gonna see me through/no matter what the case may be/my Lord my Lord is gonna fix it for me” (learned in children’s church)

“Blessed assurance/Jesus is mine/oh what a foretaste/of Glory divine/heir of salvation/purchase of love/born of his spirit/washed in his blood” (one of my favorite hymns)

I miss that feeling of having this shield of protection from an all-knowing, all-powerful being looking after my best interests.

“Not a hair of your hair shall be harmed unless He wills it.”

I miss that knowing that there’s some ultimate, meaningful roadmap for my life drawn out, and some divine warrior with a vested interest in helping me fulfill it.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

It’s absolute bullshit to me the lack of emotional tools I have available for dealing with this kind of trauma. Especially given the fact that I have such a complex trauma history with cancer while pregnant, childhood abuse, and marital abuse, the fact that spiritual abuse has so effectively paralyzed me emotionally is STAGGERING to me.

It’s like the one thing in my life that kept me sane through all the bullshit, was also all complete bullshit, and the coping techniques that I was taught were ALL I would ever need, were also a load of bullshit. Because you can’t build your entire life on a bullshit religion, on pain of shame, humiliation, and eternal torment, and expect to come out clean on the other side and be able to handle any unpleasant situations with any sort of peace of mind afterwards.

And so yes…tonight I miss the mental safety of brainwashing. I miss being able to stop trains of thought before they enter the dark places with a quick prayer and trust in a being who is hopefully in a benevolent mood, and if you have enough faith, he just might not let you die a horrible death.

Actually, I remember why all this is worth the effort now.

I’ll win back the ground that has been stolen from me, both emotionally and mentally. I’ve worked far too hard to let some dipshit fuck bag make me feel unsafe in my own home.

I’m going to take a few days to recover, then I’ll be back in full swing,

I’ll come through this.

Blessed Be, Ya’ll.

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