Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am.
Sometimes, to my shame, I feel as though I’m only me when I’m drunk.
I honestly can’t tell you why this is.
I’m sure many would categorically call it alcohism.
I, personally, consider it to be the result of a lifetime of trauma, and a combination of depression meds and heavy use of cannibis that is the honest result of inhumane amounts of pain.
Because I also live in america.
i was raised in an evangelical cult. I used to think (both as an evangelical and as a short stint as an #Exvangelical), that this meant i had something “special” to say, to contribute to the general zeitgeist regarding the state of american culture and politics,
maybe that wasonce true. possibly it still is.
but…life is full of suprises.
and i’ve long since been beyond exhausted by my own trauma, physical disabilities, and psychological disorders.
hence the need for copious amounts of both cannabis and depression meds.
most the people who have known me longest would judge and damn me straight to hell for this. …maybe i dont care anymore…
at least…i try so fucking hard NOT to care…
depression meds robbed me both of the highs and lows of my emotions. These, I believe, are the sources of most art, and -specifically to this situation- writing.
I don’t know what I expect of me anymore. Maybe I no longer have any idea who I am or what I want from me, this blog, or anyone.
I physically hurt ALLL the time. My energy levels are just barely any better, ever. I don’t know what use I’ll be to me or anyone before or after this election.
I don’t know if anyone still knows or cares that I’m still here, or what good I am.
I want to get better: for me, my girl, my husband, and literally anyone else who still gleans any sort of inspiration from my story. What I’m saying, dear reader, is this: I’m sorry if you looked for me while I wasn’t here. I don’t know how to “online personality.” And I’m far to broken to keep trying regularly.
but there’s a VERY good chance that, if you need me, then i ALSO need you, too.
Nothing here will be as it was. I’m trying to change again, for the better this time. …hopefully… I hope, somewhere, you are too. Blessed be, ya’ll.